It’s not something I say just to be dramatic, although I do have a tendency for the dramatic at times, but this will truly be the last of our children to come from my body. I don’t deny the possibility of having more children, but I will not birth them, I promise.
The pregnancy has been very hard physically and emotionally. Physically, I have been extremely exhausted and have had near daily bouts of vomiting. The night before I left San Antonio to return “home,” I had a night of vomiting, following by a day of travel and lots of airplane vomiting, followed by another full day of vomiting when I thought surely it couldn’t go on. It did and yeah, that was hard.
Emotionally, I’ve (only kind of) joked that I’ve suffered from a bit of pre-partum depression instead of the more common, well-known post-partum depression. I really, really, want to be excited about this baby’s arrival, but most days I feel so overwhelmed by my physical condition and the demands of my oldest two children, that I can’t muster the joy I know is there.
But then, you see, we go for a sonogram. And we see his (or her) tiny little hands and cute little feet all curled up under his cute little butt. And I feel it – a hint of the excitement, a splash of the peace that all will be wonderful, a needed dose of that joy.
And then, the doc gives me some medicine for my vomiting and I’ve had two nights vomit free, hallelujah. And tonight Sam kept calling the chop-sticks at the restaurant pork-chops and Ruth kept copying whatever the waiter would say (“¿Algo más?” “Ago ma?”). And I remembered again that Stephen and I make darn cute kids. I’m excited we get to have the blessing of another.
Oh Megan- I can completely understand what you mean by prenatal depression. My midwife actually prescribed an herb called skullcap to help with it and it's done wonders. Reading the Psalms has helped tremendously too! Everyone expects us to feel like the happiest people in the world (what could be more wonderful than children?!), but when you can't sleep until 1-2 in the morning and you have bouts of crying during the day and you so desperately want to be happy and joyful, it's very difficult to be so. We didn't plan on becoming pregnant so soon after Stephen, but here we are and between starting a new company and living every day not knowing exactly where the money will come from to pay for everything we need (groceries, gas, bills, midwife) it gets stressful. My midwives assured me that up to 20% of pregnant mommas have prenatal depression and that I need to take care of myself and get as much help as I possibly can after baby's here so I can stave off the better known postpartum depression. I wish I had discovered that something was "off" sooner (I was 6 months pregnant when we figured it out). We'll definitely be praying all the more for you and your sweet little one and your family. It's rough, but it does get better and the Lord is gracious and provides for our EVERY need. :-)
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